I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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