note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
