Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
