That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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