mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize