I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
