Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
