I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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