I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
