Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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