my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Randomize
