Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
