a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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