If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize