Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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