So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
