Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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