shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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