I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
