Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
