I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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