So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
