Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
