Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
