just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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