We got so high we made milksteak
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
