I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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