My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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