I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You are a genius and a whore.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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