you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
