I think I am morally bankrupt
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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