i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
