Fine. I'll sleep in my office
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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