I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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