I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize