we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
