my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
