I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
