I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
