I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
