I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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