I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
