So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
