hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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