i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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