four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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