you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
