So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
