I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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