woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
