weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
