just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
