I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize