She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
