you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
