Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
