Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
