I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
