News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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