You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
