Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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