I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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