I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
