If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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