So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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