I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
