I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
