And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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