My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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